A farmer plant his seeds in the autumn, and harvests in the summer. The earth takes 365.25 days to go round the sun. It takes forty years to get forty years of experience. You get the picture - everything happens at its own natural speed and cannot be rushed.

Pain is a signal. It is a little reminder from the universe that something is not quite right. Put your hand in a fire, you'll soon be aware that something is not quite right. Pain is there to bring your attention to something that you need to do something about. The same is true of anguish (pain and anguish being different things). Anguish is a little indicator from the universe that something is not quite right.

More accurately, it's a little prompt that there is a lesson you need to learn. If you experience the same anguish over and over again (even though the circumstances may be slightly different) then you haven't yet learned the lesson.

When I started riding a bike off-road, I ate rather a lot of mud and had rather a lot of bruises. This pain (and the anguish about it) was teaching me a lesson - don't fall off your bike. It also taught me about patience - learning not to fall off my bike was a lesson that would take time, and would not be rushed.

So I have a lot of anguish right now. It's mostly triggered by insecurity, and the shenanigans going on at work. I get really jumpy, and become almost desperate for something to make the anguish go away. Just now, I complain that I need some certainty. On reflection, that may not be quite right - things may actually be fairly certain.

When you hear somebody (or yourself) complain about "it's not what as done, its the way it was done", then five will get you ten that what they are actually complaining about is what was done. We tell stories - to others and ourselves - to make things palatable. This is ultimately what separates us from animals - we can tell stories that abstract things and we can think about stuff in an abstract way. Put a bowl of food in front of a dog, and the dog will eat it - it has no concept of "wait till later" when it comes to food.

So I am complaining about uncertainty, but is this really the case? Is it not equally possible that I am anguished about the things I know to be true?

Anyway, the point is that I am feeling very very jumpy and I don't know why. I am questioning all sorts of things, and feeling all sorts of anguish. We have many irons in the fire, my ageing friend and I, and I get jumpy about the uncertainty of the outcome. Or do I? Is it that I am just impatient, and need to just allow things to develop as they will do all by themselves? How much is causeand how much is effect? How much is my own spin on what's going on, and how much is what is actually going on? In short, how much of this anguish is down to me and me alone?

My ageing friend is full of wise counsel. Stripping through the paranoia and pointing out where the glass may actually be half-full. I hate it when he does that - all sensible and analytical and stuff. Real old bull style (blogs passim).

I am impatient to get better on my bike. I am impatient for the stuff cooking with my ageing friend to bear fruit. I am impatient about lots of things.

The universe is trying to teach me a lesson - "be patient". As I've said before though, it cannot be learned in a hurry. The universe must absolutely be pissing itself at the irony - I know I would.

Lack of bike time, that's what this is.

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