I've said a few times now, and say in my profile, that I am recovering from mental illness.

Thing is, I don't know if I'm recovering until I've recovered and then look back on this period. There's an argument that says if I tell myself I'm recovering, then I am recovering. There's an argument that says I focus on where I want to be and will be there.

There's also an argument which says I am only in remission. That this will be back. I am expecting vistors, I don't know when they will arrive, how many there will be, how long they will stay, or what they'll get up to whilst they're here. This is the reality of mental ilness - you're grateful for every illness-free day.

An alcoholic will talk about his illness "resting" - he won't talk about it being cured. I've met a lot of alcoholics in hospital - alcoholism seems to be reated in the same way as mental illness. I've never figured out why.

I can't walk today - my back is completely knackered. The Missus is spitting blood over the whole "Nutcase / Dakar" thing, but I'm finding it difficult to do the same. I was upset, obviously, and I was a little bit angry, but - most of all - I was embarrassed. I was not embarrassed for me, I was embarrassed for Martin. In an instant, in the eyes of these guys, he went from being "provider of training" to being "so much of an amateur idiot that he has to employ spastics".

I was upset, and I was embarrassed. This guy was a paying customer, I could not speak out. It killed my confidence. It sowed the seeds of what happened later in the day. Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right. My confidence was shot. I thought I couldn't and, guess what? I couldn't.

There is a massive difference between being ignorant and being stupid. Being ignorant means, quite simply, that you don't know something. This is forgiveable. Being stupid means that you are ignorant, know you are ignorant, and choose not to learn the things you don't know. Ignorance is not knowing something, stupidity is choosing to remain ignorant.

Read. Watch. Listen. Learn things that are imortant and things that are completely trivial. Accept that you are ignorant, but never - ever - be stupid.

These guys actually done me a favour. Last week, my 2009dakar.com domain came up for renewal. Should I renew it? Why? What's the point? Who, really, gives a fuck whether or not an ex-mental patient who is not that good on a bike is going to go to Dakar or not? In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter?

So, after Friday, I know why it matters. It matters because there is a lot of prejudice in the world. It matters because people like Martin and Cockle and my ITM - good people - take me as they find me and have hope that I will achieve my dream. It matters to me. It matters to me that nobody - ever - write me off because I have a particular label.

As anybody who knows me will tell you, there is an absolutely guaranteed way to get me to succeed at something - tell me I can't.

So, Mr "nutcase is doing the Dakar", fuck you. I'm going. I'm finishing it. You, my friend, can laugh on whichever side of your prejudiced face you choose.

I am not brilliant at riding a bike and have never claimed to be. So what? At least I am willing to try.

And I've figured out why my lower back is so sore. It is so sore because my buttocks are transforming into Cyril Despres buttocks. The re-chiselling is causing a bit of discomfort. That's what it is.

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