Yeah, Sure They're Saying That John

Martin called this morning to find out how it went on Sunday.

He knew how it went on Sunday. He knew that I'd have ended up trapped in the woods, pulling and pushing and tugging bikes up the hill. He knew.

"I spent two hours in the woods, pulling people up this rooty hill"

"Yeah, I know that hill. Forgot to tell you about that one"

Thanks Martin.

Here's a funny thing. Martin has relaxed a bit now. He gives me munny. I take the munny. Or is it me who's relaxed a bit? Not entirely sure.

What I'm going to do is ask Martin to make up a list of "Things I could have told you". It will save me a lot of time, since an awful lot of the conversations go like:

"I discovered ... today"

"I could have told you that"

But the point is that he could have as well. For instance, my revelation about Darren Wheeler not being a ten-foot giant. Martin could have told me this.

So we spoke about Darren Wheeler. I was joking with Martin about this time next year:

"This time next year, Darren Wheeler will see me on the start line. He'll turn to Darryl Bolter and say: 'no point even competing - championship is already lost - look who's here. That bloody 2009 Dakar guy'"

Martin chuckled - "Yeah, sure they'll be saying that John".

He then went on to tell me that goals are not a bad thing. Having goals is what it's all about. If my goal is to be overtaking Darren Wheeler, then why is that a bad thing, and why should it not be possible?

I told him about rider number 155 and the, em, issues I had had with him. Martin was very much in the "should have put his lights out" camp, but did recommend that taking my Marshalls jacket off first would be a good idea. I mean, insconpiciously knocking somebody out is probably something you'd get away with, but don't do it whilst you're wearing a hi-viz vest. The clue is in the name - "hi viz". As ever, Martin is the brains of the outfit.

And it turns out that yesterday we had carnage synchronised across countries too. My ITM was taking part in a rather arduous event at Bunclody in Ireland. It was horrible. It took him ages to get up a slippery hill that was only 100m, and he missed the time cuts. He was not happy.

There's a couple of different types of people in the world. There's the ones who would take a really bad experience at Bunclody and decide that enduro is not for them and they should take up knitting instead. Then there's the ones who resolve that a shitty Bunclody is actually a great motivator. It's nature's way of pointing out the areas that need a bit of work.

My ITM will be looking at the bits he wants to improve and, by sheer force of will, he will improve them. It's either that, or he gets a proper kicking from Missus ITM for buying an enduro bike that just sits in the garage whilst he perfects his knitting.

And, speaking of areas that need work, I've taken some of my own advice. I have produced a manuscript and this is going out to various people in publishing. I write well, I write naturally, and I want published. So out goes the manuscript. I will keep you posted.

A few weeks ago, in a bit of a drunken fit of rage, I did rather a silly thing. I filled in an application form for The Apprentice. I went into a bit of a rant about muppets and snake-oil salesmen and stuff like that and how I could do much, much better. That kind of thing. It asked for a recent photo of myself.

The normal thing to do would have been to send the standard head-and-shoulders of me looking my best in an Armani suit. Yes, that would have been normal. Instead, I sent in a photo of me covered in cowshit at the West Wilts enduro.

So, my audition is next Wednesday.

I asked my boss if I could have the time off. He said that he would be delighted to give me the time off. In his words, me being on The Apprentice - that would be compulsive viewing.

Do you ever get that? Do you ever get those "what the fuck did I go and do that for?" moments? But, at the same time, you've got to kind of see it through?

Or is it just me?